Saturday, December 19, 2009

2009's Worst Films

Having seen more films than might be considered healthy viewing habits, I can say with some level of certainty that a lot of crap movies came out this year. While mediocre (at best) might be modus operandi lately amongst the studios, every once and a while comes a film so bad that you are left with a bad taste in your mouth. Below are a list of th worst films of the year, along with some honorable mentions.
One word that must be said though is that some of the most recent features are not able to be included here (as best or worst) because I haven't had a chance to screen them yet. Also keep in mind that some films, which everyone will admit were bad, like G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, are not on here because while they are bad movies they were also fun popcorns flicks. No fun was had with the below films.

5. AntiChrist

Lars Von Trier wrote this film while depressed and it would seem that he wanted to share his pain with everyone else. Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg star as a couple who’s young son falls out a window while they are having sex. She blames herself and being the good doctor that he is, Dafoe thinks he can cure her himself by going away to a secluded cabin in the woods. There they run into talking animals (was the laughter intentional when the fox stops eating itself to tell Dafoe that “chaos reigns”?). Things get worse as she proceeds to start engaging in genital mutilation. It’s tedious, but you won’t forget it anytime soon. That’s for sure.

4. Observe and Report
I like Anna Faris. I really, really like her. But could she stop making horrible movies. Possibly if someone made choices for her we wouldn’t get stuck having to see her in films like this one. Seth Rogen stars as a mall cop. Not to be confused with Paul Blart, Rogen’s character is living a pathetic life. It makes the film not hilarious, but even more sad to watch. Plus, would it kill Faris to play someone super intelligent, just once?

3. Jennifer's Body

Diablo Cody’s follow-up to Juno is a genre send up with Megan Fox as a high school cheerleader possessed by demon, leaving her to literally become a maneater. Cody’s unique dialogue feels awkward when not handled by the right actors. To make matters worse, rather than having Jennifer go after the meatheaded jocks that the audiences would love to see get killed, Jennifer goes after guys who are somewhat sympathetic. The only bright spot is the always good Amanda Seyfried as the mousy heroine looking to put an end to Jennifer’s terror.

2. Did You Hear About the Morgans?
On paper it sounds like this would be a classic romantic comedy. Genre czar Marc Lawrence (Two Weeks Notice, Music and Lyrics, and Miss Congeniality) reteaming genre faves Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant in a Green Acres fish out of a water story – what’s not to like? Well, apparently Parker can’t find a punchline if it were a New York city cab running her over, leaving Grant to pick up the slack. But Lawrence, as writer and director, hasn’t given much to work with here. Audiences will forgive clichés, more than critics do, if there are laughs to be had. No such luck in this stereotype and cliché laden mess.

1. Halloween 2
An unnecessary sequel to Rob Zombie’s mediocre franchise reboot. I’ll give horror movies a lot of slack as different things scare different people, but quite frankly “Halloween 2” is garbage. Zombie adds in more psychoses for Michael that is part Oedipal complex. Subpar acting and uninteresting characters keeps audiences at bay. Also, didn’t Loomis die in the official theatrical version to the last film? How’s he back?

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Bride Wars, My Bloody Valentine 3-D, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Bruno and Duplicity

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